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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24826681">Oh Devil, I'm in My Own Hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool'>Winged_Fool</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Mild Horror, Paranoia, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:00:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,030</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24826681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jesse is dead but it doesn't stop Alex from seeing him everywhere he turns</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Guerin/Alex Manes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>173</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Oh Devil, I'm in My Own Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was inspired by <a href="https://meneatyoghurt.tumblr.com/">meneatyoghurt's</a> Tumblr post: Alex keeps thinking he sees his dad everywhere and it’s fucking him up (Jesse is still dead, he’s not actually seeing him). I don’t know if this would follow canon…maybe he thinks about telling Forrest but doesn’t think he’ll get it, and also they haven’t even known each other that long and he doesn’t want to scare him off, so he keeps it to himself or goes to Michael about it. Or Michael just finds him drinking in the pony one night or something.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Alex pulls away from Forrest, he’s smiling - happy and comfortable in his skin for what feels like the first time in years. It doesn’t stop him from glancing around the room nervously, but no one is paying any attention to them. He looks back at Forrest with a smile on his lips when he sees <em> him </em> in the corner of his eye.</p><p>Alex startles out of Forrest’s embrace and scans the bar again, but he doesn’t see him. It doesn’t stop the flood of dread and panic that fills his gut.</p><p>“Hey, are you okay?” Forrest asks cautiously.</p><p>Alex locks eyes with Greg and suddenly he feels calm, he smiles at him then returns his attention to Forrest. “Yeah, sorry, thought I saw someone.”</p><p>“The ex from your song?” he teases to alleviate the tension.</p><p>“Nah, just a ghost,” Alex smiles and leans into his embrace, hoping it’ll erase the image of Jesse sneering at Alex.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p><em> Just a ghost </em> Alex tells himself over and over again. <em> Just a ghost </em> he repeats when he sees him in the crowd, walking down the street, sitting in a conference room on base. The moments are fleeting; when Alex does a double-take, he’s gone. But it’s enough to set him on edge. He feels paranoid, constantly looking over his shoulder, wondering when he’ll pop out.</p><p>When he’s with Forrest, he can’t relax. Whenever they kiss, he feels Jesse’s presence with them, even when they’re alone at one of their houses. His paranoia causes the relationship to crumble. Forrest thinks Alex is just uncomfortable with him and he can’t contradict him. Because how does he tell his sort-of boyfriend that he’s seeing his dead father everywhere he turns without sounding out of his mind?</p><p>Alex mourns the end of his relationship with a bottle of whiskey. It’s not necessarily that he’s upset over the breakup, they’d only been going out for a few weeks. It’s that even beyond the grave his father is still fucking with his head, making him hate himself for his attraction to men.</p><p>He lets himself be upset about it for a night, then he locks the sadness away. It doesn’t stop him from seeing Jesse sitting next to him as he drives to work the next day.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>One night, Alex hears the floorboards of his house creak. Like steps, as though someone is carefully perusing his home. They sound like the quiet, measured steps his father used to take around his childhood home when he’d check each room to make sure the boys were asleep.</p><p>Instinctively, Alex wants to pull the covers over his head as he used to as a child. He tamps the instinct down because he’s a grown-ass man and his father is <em> dead</em>. Instead, he rips the sheets off, gets the gun he keeps on his nightstand, and cautiously makes his way out of his room.</p><p>He quickly goes through the house, hoping to find the source of the sounds. He checks every corner, room, and hall of his house and finds nothing. He checks the front and back door and both are securely locked. Alex goes back to bed and falls asleep to a silent house.</p><p>The next night, the noises and steps return.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>After his break up with Forrest, things settle down as much as they can. Alex meets Steph through Kyle and finds out through him what Liz did. He spends time with his fellow airmen who constantly rag on him for his secret singing prowess. Things are normal enough that he gets better at ignoring seeing his father everywhere he turns and hearing his footsteps every night.</p><p>Alex decides to merely chalk it up to paranoia. He never thought he’d be rid of Jesse, so it’s just taking some time to get used to the idea. He keeps it all to himself and carries on.</p><p>One night, the footsteps get closer. He hears them make their way down the hall and stop in front of his door. Alex’s breath hitches and his heart starts racing. “There’s nothing there, he’s gone, he’s dead,” he whispers to himself, shutting his eyes tight.</p><p>His heart nearly stops when he hears the door creak open. If he doesn’t look, then it’s not real. It doesn’t matter if he wants to move anyway though, he’s frozen in place. The footsteps approach Alex’s bed and he whispers to himself again, “He’s dead, he’s gone.”</p><p>A wisp of something cold brushes down his cheek and he feels something against his ear. <em> Are you sure about that?</em> Alex shrieks, his eyes flying open. But when he gets his bearings back, no one is in the room with him and his door is shut.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Alex avoids going home as much as possible after that. He stays out later, drinking at the Pony until Kyle rolls his eyes and lets him crash at his place because he’s too drunk to drive home. He knows he’s putting a strain on Kyle’s relationship with Steph but he doesn’t care. Going to sleep drunk helps keep Jesse at bay.</p><p>“Are you okay, man?” Kyle asks after about two weeks of this behavior.</p><p>“Fine,” he mutters, staring at his bowl of cereal so he doesn’t have to see Jesse standing behind Kyle.</p><p>He feels Kyle judging him because he is very obviously <em>not </em>fine, but he doesn’t push the issue further. “We need to find you a new boy toy, why don’t we all out to Planet 7 tonight?”</p><p>Alex knows Kyle is trying to get his mind off what’s bothering him, but he can’t help but feel like he’s trying to get rid of him. “No, it’s okay.” Alex forces a smile, “Thanks for putting up with me.”</p><p>“You’re always welcome here,” Kyle says sincerely and it warms Alex’s heart for a fleeting moment until he sees Jesse laughing at him over Kyle’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Alex makes it two nights in his house before he's back at the Pony drinking to blur the image of Jesse and drown out his voice. He plants himself at the bar and starts shooting back beer after beer, shaking like a leaf, trying to ignore Jesse’s voice and figure sitting to the left of him.</p><p>“Easy there,” a familiar drawl says to his right and he turns to see Michael slipping on to the stool next to him.</p><p>“Guerin,” he breathes, the knot of anxiety loosening within him. They’ve sort of struck up a friendship since Alex’s break up with Forrest, but Michael is so frequently off somewhere with Max and Isobel they haven’t spent any alone time together since the shed. Michael appearing tonight is a welcome distraction.</p><p>“Drinking alone might make people think you’re a drunkard,” Michael teases.</p><p>Alex seizes on the easy opening, “What about drinking with company?”</p><p>“That’s acceptable,” Micahel nods and orders them a round. They spend the rest of the evening together and Alex doesn’t have to keep drinking to keep Jesse away, he started fading away the moment Michael showed up.</p><p>At the end of the night, Michael drives Alex home with a promise to pick him up the next day so he can get his car from the Pony. It would be so easy for Alex to lean over and kiss him, ask him to stay the night.</p><p>But that’s not how their story is going to start again: the two of them tipsy and Alex living in fear of his father’s ghost. Instead, he smiles and thanks Michael for the ride before heading back into his house.</p><p>The house stays quiet all night.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>He and Michael begin spending more time together outside of the bar. They grab lunch at the Crashdown, coffee at Bean Me Up, hang out at the various Roswell bunkers going over research together. Alex realizes that the more time he spends with Michael, the less he sees and hears Jesse so he seizes every opportunity to spend time with him.</p><p>Their friends all give them knowing looks with playful smiles. Kyle slaps Alex on the back and wishes him luck with Guerin. Neither of them corrects anyone and Alex wonders what that means. They haven’t talked about getting back together, the most intimate thing they do is hug. But Alex feels safe and sane with Michael so he doesn’t want to ruin it just yet.</p><p>After three months of this peace, Michael tells Alex he needs to deal with something with Max and Isobel and disappears for nearly a month.</p><p>Day by day, Alex loses more and more of his grip on reality. Jesse follows him everywhere. He’s not just a face in the crowd. He stands next to Alex and he hears him constantly berating him. At night, he hears the angry footsteps running down his hall as he used to when one of his brothers or mother was in trouble with Jesse. Sometimes he hears their screaming. Other times he hears the unmistakable sound of a hammer coming down on flesh.</p><p>By the end of the month, Alex resorts to sitting outside on his patio, wrapped in a blanket, fire going in the pit, shaking as he downs any and every bottle of alcohol he has in the house.</p><p><em> You think death can keep me from those alien bastards? </em> Alex hears his father’s voice, cold and detached right in his ear and he squeezes his eyes shut. He hears Michael’s screams as the hammer beats down, over and over. Alex wraps the blanket tighter around him. <em> Fag. Perverted piece of shit. Alien fucker</em>. His father is relentless and he just wants it to <em>stop</em>. His phone chimes, breaking his reverie and with shaking hands, he grabs it to find a text from Micahel saying he’s back in town and asking if he wants to grab lunch tomorrow.</p><p>Alex throws the blanket off, extinguishes the fire, and jumps into his car before he can second guess himself. As soon as he gets to the junkyard, he’s wildly pounding on the Airstream door.</p><p>”What the <em>fuck?</em>” Michael opens the door in annoyance but softens when he sees Alex, “Alex?”</p><p>Alex launches himself into Michael, wrapping his arms around him, “You’re okay, you’re okay.”</p><p>“Whoa, whoa,” Michael says quietly, bringing a hand to rub his back. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”</p><p>“You’re safe,“ Alex repeats before peeling himself off Michael to take in his unharmed presence.</p><p>“Alex, you’re crying,” Micahel observes alarmed, “And you’re shaking, come on, let’s get you inside.” Michael gently pulls him in and sits him down on the bed with him.</p><p>“I was so worried while you were away,“ Alex babbles, touching Michael’s chest to reassure himself he’s there. “My father kept saying all these horrible things he was going to do to you.”</p><p>“Whoa whoa, Alex. Back up. Your father?” Michael looks very concerned now, “Your dad’s dead, Alex.”</p><p>“He’s not, he’s <em>not</em>,” Alex insists through tears. “I started seeing him shortly after open mic night. He’s been coming to my house walking around while I try to sleep. I hear him when it’s just the two of us.”</p><p>Michael stares at Alex for a moment, clearly not believing a word he’s saying. When Michael doesn’t say anything, Alex keeps going, “If I was drunk, he would leave me alone. He never bothered me when we were together.”</p><p>“Alex…” Michael starts uncertainly. He shakes his head, “Okay. So you’ve been seeing him. But Alex, we saw him get buried. We saw his coffin. He’s truly gone.”</p><p>“That’s just what he wants us to think,” Alex mutters, “He’s waiting for me to fuck up again so he can take advantage of it.”</p><p>Michael puts his hands on Alex’s shoulder and looks him dead in the eye, “Alex, listen to me. Your father is dead and he can’t harm you anymore. Greg shot him to protect you. This damn city threw him a parade in his honor. He’s not playing an elaborate game to take you down.”</p><p>“You were right, Michael. I shouldn’t have trusted him, I’m not going to let him get the best of me this time.” Alex rubs at his eyes, he feels disoriented and sad. But he needs Michael to <em>understand</em>.</p><p>“I was <em>wrong</em>,” Michael replies emphatically. He wraps Alex in his arms and holds him, soothing him until he’s calmed down. He rubs his back and runs his fingers through Alex’s hair. “You’re safe here Alex. He can’t hurt you, not anymore.”</p><p>Alex buries his head in Michael’s neck so he doesn’t have to see Jesse standing in the corner of the Airstream, waving the hammer around threateningly.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Things get worse before they get better.</p><p>Whatever spell that was keeping Jesse away those three months is suddenly gone and every time Alex is with Michael, he sees Jesse in the corner of the room, sneering at them, pacing around and getting close to Michael, or laughing at Alex whenever Michael says something sweet.</p><p>“Are you still seeing him?” Michael asks periodically.</p><p>“No,” Alex lies even as he watches Jesse sit next to Michael and polish his gun.</p><p>Michael takes him to the cemetery to reassure Alex that Jesse was buried and gone. Jesse stands over the grave, his face split by a large and wicked smile. He feels the cold wisps of air caress his face in a mocking way and he shudders, looking away. He lets Michael believe it’s because he just can’t stand to look at the grave proclaiming Jesse was a beloved father, husband, and soldier.</p><p>Alex starts pulling away from everyone. Anytime he hangs out with someone, Jesse is right there next to him, whispering in great detail the ways he’s going to take that person away from Alex. He lets his phone die, not bothering to charge it so he doesn’t have to see his friends text or call him.</p><p>He can barely sleep, the house is alive with noises every single night. He sits in the corner of his bedroom, blanket wrapped around his shivering form and gun pressed tightly in his hand aimed at the door. <em> Can bullets hurt ghosts? </em></p><p>One night, he decides to sleep in his bed and the noises stop. Alex closes his eyes and counts his breaths to fall asleep. But almost as if on cue, he hears the familiar pacing of footsteps down his hall. He squeezes his eyes and thinks <em>go away, go away</em>. The door creaks open slowly before quietly being shut again. Alex tries to turn in his bed, but he finds his body unresponsive. He can’t move, not even to open his eyes. His heart speeds up but before he can to truly panic, he feels the familiar touch of air against his ear, <em> You always were such a disappointment, Alex. </em></p><p>Suddenly, he can’t breathe. He feels hands tight against his neck, squeezing hard and angry. His body is still unresponsive but he’s able to open his mouth. He tries to scream out. Nothing. The squeezing gets tighter, angrier, and he hears Jesse laughing wickedly over him.</p><p>The door slams open, “Alex!” someone yells out and begins shaking Alex gently. At his touch, Alex gasps and is able to move again. His eyes fly open and he sees Michael hovering over him, looking worried.</p><p>“Michael?” he croaks. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Jesus Alex, I was worried!” Michael cries, trying to keep his voice even-tempered so as not to further upset Alex. “You hadn’t been answering your phone or texts. I drove over here to check on you and before I could ring the bell, I heard you screaming.”</p><p>Alex looks wildly around the room, it’s just the two of them. He glances back at Michael, eyes wide and confused. “You’re still seeing him,” Michael says, not as a question but a statement.</p><p>“He won’t leave me alone,” Alex whispers.</p><p>Michael wraps him his arms, “We’ll figure this out, Alex.”</p><p>“Stay?” Alex asks, tears in his eyes.</p><p>“Always,” Michael replies, laying them both on the bed, keeping Alex warm and tight in his embrace. He falls asleep to Michael’s even breaths on the back of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Michael drives Alex out to the reservation the next day. To be away from the places Jesse haunted in life. He stays with Greg for a few weeks and begins to regain his sanity. It’s as though Jesse stayed behind in Roswell. He helps Greg with chores around the reservation, feeling relaxed reconnecting with their mother’s heritage.</p><p>One of the women who knew her weaves Alex a large dreamcatcher to keep the evil spirits away at night. The next time Michael visits him, he asks him to hang it in his room at his house back in Roswell. He stays on the reservation for a month before he feels ready to return with Michael.</p><p>The drive back makes him feel anxious and full of dread, but Michael holds his hand, tight and reassuring. They pass through the city limits and Alex almost expects to see Jesse immediately reappear, but nothing happens. Not that day, nor the next, nor the one after that.</p><p>Alex is able to start sleeping soundly in his bed, sometimes alone but most nights with Michael right beside him. Jesse never reappears. Alex starts venturing out again, spending time with his friends without the worry that something horrible will befall them.</p><p>He asks Michael to take him to the cemetery again. When they get there, Alex feels embolden to spit on his grave. “You’re dead, you bastard,” Alex tells it, anger thrumming under his skin, “You lost. I <em> love </em>a man, an <em>alien</em>. And nothing you did could change that.”</p><p>He feels Michael startle next to him before he realizes what exactly he said. He nervously turns to face Michael, but he’s looking at Alex fondly, a soft smile playing at his lips. “I love you, too Alex,” he whispers and before Alex can react, he’s pulling him close and kissing him right over Jesse’s grave.</p><p>Alex pulls him closer, buries one hand in Michael’s curls while he sticks the other one out toward the grave, flipping his dead father the bird, safe in the knowledge Jesse could never hurt him again.</p><p> </p>
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